Criticism for...Safety?

I’ve been doing trauma-informed work for nearly two decades. Asking “what has happened to you” (instead of “what’s wrong with you?”) is something like second nature to me. I have annoyed partners, friends and family members for years by coming up with alternate reasons for why people around them have behaved the way they have.

Image shows the back end of cars in traffic, brake lights on.

Some examples:

That tailgater who’s annoying my partner? Maybe he’s rushing to the hospital where his wife is giving birth!

That annoying colleague at work who never stops talking? Maybe he’s lonely and doesn’t really know how to make friends.

That know-it-all friend who lectures everyone? Maybe she’s feeling like she doesn’t have much control in her life and this is her way to show that she knows things.

That boss who never responds to your emails? Maybe they are really swamped with their other duties and just didn’t have a chance to get back to you.

See how that could get annoying?

For me, it’s the other side that is tough. Like, when people say things like, “He’s a terrible driver!” or “She talks all the time. She never does any real work!” or “Why does she have to act like she knows everything?” I am doing the work in my head, coming up with alternative explanations – even when it won’t affect me either way.  

Image shows an old fashioned dial phone, black and off the hook, with a long cord.

Recently I was on the phone with my mother. She told me about an encounter where she volunteers, then about an encounter with her friends at lunch, then about a person that goes to her church and I started to feel really…tired.

Because when she is feeling stressed and making a lot of judgmental statements, it’s a ton of effort for me. If I say what I’m thinking out loud, it comes across like I’m defending someone (maybe that I don’t even know). If I don’t say it out loud, it’s still in there and now I’m trying to suppress it.

I’ve had so much practice with it, I don’t even do it on purpose, these ideas just pop into my head. Instead, I sometimes have trouble understanding why other people don’t do it. Sometimes I get critical, even. Why are people so judgmental?

Then I read this article Where did all this judgment come from? Why are we such harsh critics? by Robyn Brickel, M.A., LMFT on the PACEs Connection website and I had an aha moment. I highly encourage you to read the whole thing! But look at this little part:

““Whether internal or external, judgment or criticism usually comes from the same place: hypervigilance.
...
Judgment and criticism are essentially your brain and body constantly assessing everything for safety — and if you had a history of childhood trauma (big T or little T!) — then this mechanism was absolutely necessary back then to keep you safe.””

Yes! That make so much sense to me. My mother – whom I love– is often critical. And sometimes I get so annoyed by it, but when I think of it in terms of hypervigilance, well my mother has plenty of reason to be hypervigilant.

Another part that really stuck with me:

““The mind thinks if we are constantly judging — noticing all of the faults, then we can do something and keep ourselves and others safe.
If I judge myself, I can protect myself from what others may say or think.
If I judge you, I can control things (our relationship)
and keep myself separate and safe.””

Judgement as an attempt at control – I never thought of it that way before. My mother’s life has lots of moments where she has no control at all about what is going to happen. She’s an immigrant to the US with little formal education and an accent. She lives in the South. She is often on the downside of power there. Her judgment of herself, her friends, and me, are maybe attempts to keep us all safe. Aha!

Like I said, read the article. It even has some skills and strategies for being less judgmental. Hopefully I can hang on to them the next time I’m talking with my mother. Let me know if you had any aha moments in the comments.

Header image shows a woman with short dark hair making a skeptical look with one finger raised in (maybe?) criticism. From engin-akyurt on unsplash.